OAKLAND—In a shocking turn of events, sophomore and Tower A RA Abby Jenkins reported to Panther Central this past Sunday that Towers dryer number 98—which, like the others, usually breaks down mid-cycle and leaves clothes moldy, damp, and also on fire—dried her clothes completely with no apparent issues.
“Yeah, they were completely dry. There wasn’t even that smell! You know the smell… Yes, you do,” Jenkins told the Pitiful News.
When asked to comment on the washing machine, Jenkins simply said, “The fuck do you think happened?”
Upon further in-depth investigation from our experts, what happened was that the clothes, in fact, were not washed whatsoever. Reports of the Towers laundry machines not working have skyrocketed over the past few weeks, with many of the issues attributed to the obscene amount of freshmen who apparently have never before done laundry in their lives. Upperclassmen, including Jenkins, say that the rise in reports to Panther Central is most definitely only because of the broken machines and not because, according to Jenkins, “those damn first years overtook our housing.”
At this time, Panther Central and University Officials have not commented on the success of the Towers laundry machines. Check back for updates as they occur.