Five Tips to NAIL an Interview
Let’s be honest — the job market is a nightmare right now, and you need whatever edge there is to succeed. You’re sending out your re...
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In Promotions, May 21, 2026The Premium Pitiful News Subscription
Hear ye, hear ye! Come one, come all, and harken to the unbelievably generous and unfathomably wonderful, brand new, devoid of any dr...
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Five Tips to NAIL an Interview
Let’s be honest — the job market is a nightmare right now, and you need whatever edge there is to succeed. You’re sending out your resumé to over a baker’s dozen of companies, and whe...
In Opinion, Jun 02, 2026
HHS Secretary Kennedy Declares Eatery “Best College Dining Hall in America”
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press conference last week from the Wakefield Public Health Office, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced his department’s ranking ...
In Food and Culture, May 26, 2026
The Premium Pitiful News Subscription
Hear ye, hear ye! Come one, come all, and harken to the unbelievably generous and unfathomably wonderful, brand new, devoid of any drawbacks whatsoever, Premium Pitiful News subscript...
In Promotions, May 21, 2026
Opinion: The “‘NOT SO SOUR’ Movement” is the Worst Thing to Come From Wokeness
When you think of a candy aisle in a gas station, Sour Patch Watermelons might not be the first thing to come to mind. Maybe you prefer a chocolate-based treat or opt for a different ...
In Opinion, May 07, 2026
West Virginia University to Graduate First Student
MORGANTOWN—Just in time for the 136th anniversary of West Virginian statehood, President Michael Benson announced before a packed Mountaineer Field that Kyle Robertson of the Eberly C...
In Current, Apr 28, 2026
We’re Being Replaced
A few weeks ago, I was hanging out on the 5th floor of Sennott with my good friend Brian A. Krueger (known as the “Kruegler” to most people and criminal records). We were having a ver...
In Student Life, Apr 26, 2026
How Hemingway’s Can Be Saved
Hemingway’s Cafe, a beloved campus institution, is closing down soon. It’s going to be sad for those of us who have fond memories of going there to deal with the sadness Pitt academic...
In Opinion, Apr 23, 2026
AITA for not spending my anniversary with my girlfriend?
Now, I know how that sounds, but you have to hear me out. My girlfriend is a great person, and I love her very much. This April 20th is our two-year anniversary. It’s a Monday. Planni...
In Student Life, Apr 20, 2026
Time Travelers Underwhelmed by Time Capsule
OAKLAND—Two strangely dressed students by the names of Jxnie and Zanthony approached the Pitiful News on our biennial birding retreat. They claimed to be time travelers from the year ...
In Science and Technology, Apr 05, 2026
UPMC Gifts $25 to Pittsburgh, City Grateful
OAKLAND—At a press conference on Monday, the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center announced a $25 donation to the city of Pittsburgh. The gift was applauded by Mayor O’Connor as a ...
In Current, Feb 27, 2026
Featured
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HHS Secretary Kennedy Declares Eatery “Best College Dining Hall in America”
In Food and Culture, -
Opinion: The “‘NOT SO SOUR’ Movement” is the Worst Thing to Come From Wokeness
In Opinion, -
AITA for not spending my anniversary with my girlfriend?
In Student Life, -
Bring the Criterion Van to Campus
In Opinion, -
My Acceptable Gingers
In Opinion,