Isn’t it so kind of your professors to have their finals weighted so heavily? Aren’t they the best for not making Canvas grades public so you have no idea what grade you need on your last exam? Can you think of a better way to ponder your grades than visiting your university’s satire newspaper’s online publication? We can’t! But, in case you need some suggestions on how to make this the best finals week yet, we’ve got you covered.
1. Complain to national media about your poor essay grade
Remember that writing assignment from two months ago that you didn’t get the grade you wanted on? Wishing you had a little more room for error on your final? Try complaining to right-wing media that your teacher is silencing your viewpoint! Bonus points if you somehow manage to fuck up citing Bible verses.
2. Make a self-portrait out of LEGO
If you’re not feeling busy enough studying for finals or leading the free world, why not commission (or, in your case, make it yourself) a full-scale self-portrait out of LEGO? It’s the perfect holiday decoration for your dorm room. Just look at the White House Green Room!
3. Reminisce about when Pitt football was good for like 4 weeks
Remember that ranked win against Georgia Tech? That was nice. Get ready for another disappointing bowl game.
4. Defend yourself publicly for your husband drinking your piss
You’d think with all the other rules Mormons have to follow that this would be beyond the pale, but what two married people do in private is their own business. That is, until they decide to tell everyone on a reality TV show.
5. Fail to do the worm in public
If you’ve actually made it to the library to study, why not try to learn how to do the worm instead? It’s great exercise, and it will distract everyone around you, which could be helpful if your professor grades on a curve.
6. Join a polycule and become The Main One
This is a serious power move, and if it works out you won’t even have to worry about a college degree. It works better if you center yourself as a religious leader and turn the polycule into a cult.
7. Write this article
I am actively procrastinating on at least 3 assignments right now. It’s chill.
8. Edit this article
I don’t even know who edits these anymore.
[Comment from editor: I approve of this message. I don’t know who I am either. It’s fine.]
9. Publish this article
Good luck, Ezra. (I feel like this part is easy, but I’ve heard our website is weird.)
10. Read this article
What the hell are you doing? Get back to work.