Approaching a group of students this evening, fundraiser Jesse Jenkins was hoping to collect a few dollars for the local chapter of Children’s Rescue Area Program (C.R.A.P.), but was instead met with empty wallets and pockets pulled inside out. Some students simply shook their heads begrudgingly or gave a meager wave. Jenkins expressed his disappointment and disbelief, saying “Who knew college kids were so strapped for cash like this?”
This peculiar phenomenon has been on the uptick lately per top economist Dr. Jerome Johnson. “It’s quite unusual to see a lack of disposable, surplus income that is so typical of the college student demographic,” Johnson stated to The Pitiful News. “My research hasn’t landed on an exact reason for this downturn in spending just yet – I’m just happy my degree is paid off.”
Students have been reportedly coping with the recent financial turmoil through various means. A decrease in spending has been seen across all sectors, from food to entertainment. Rather than ordering prime rib and filet mignon, students have been subsisting on ramen noodles and pre-packaged tuna. Additionally, big-ticket trips, such as weeklong skiing vacations and cruises through the southern isles, have also seemingly been cut back. Instead, students are spending time outside the lap of luxury. When asked about her hobbies, Senior Jennifer “J.J.” Jackson replied: “Binging TV shows on my friend’s Netflix account, sending Venmo requests to my mom, and crying quietly while my roommates pretend not to notice.”
At press time, hordes of students were seen brawling over a loose nickel while passersby tossed quarters into the squabble.