As the semester at Pitt continues, many students sit apprehensively in their lecture halls. The lecturer before them, an unfamiliar academic, was given a mediocre rating on Rate My Professor, but there was no better option, so they’re stuck with them. They pray that the foretold pop quizzes and extensive writing assignments are mere myths, and that the professor has had a sudden change of heart for this semester…
This may end up being the case for you. After all, plenty of teachers went soft post-COVID. However, there is one teacher. One man who will never change his stripes.
That man’s name is Professor Warren Gage.
Yeah, he’s strict and gives out random pop quizzes, but so what? You can deal with that for one semester, can’t you? You’ll just spend one or two fewer weekends out with your friends, right? But no, Warren is no ordinary shitty professor.
The University staff figured students could benefit from some discipline. His strict policies rapidly earned him tenure; however, they didn’t anticipate his full oddities as a strange, reclusive academic.
The first instance of Gage’s off-behavior came in November 2008 after the Backyard Brawl. As Pitt students went out on the town to celebrate a win against their arch nemesis, the silhouette of a hunched-over Professor Gage standing by a burning Roc the Panther costume stood out in many minds, but was disregarded by the next morning. It might not have, after all, been Gage…
Right?
But then, a year later, in 2009, Gage brought a taxidermized goat to his lecture. The hundreds of first-years in Intro to Ethics looking for a Gen Ed were in for a rude awakening (no pun intended) that morning. The professor detailed how he found the dead animal on the side of the road, decided to take it home, and preserve it for… ethical purposes?
Hard to say, considering accounts of this event rely solely on half-awake, hungover, non-philosophy majors.
The same thing occurred for the following two years, which certainly raised eyebrows within Pitt administration, resulting in a formal investigation of Professor Gage. And what they found… while reportedly truly haunting, was never released to the public. What is known is that Warren was “relocated” to Slippery Rock for the next decade, where his past circulated like an urban legend.
In 2022, Warren Gage was rehired to the University of Pittsburgh staff, where he immediately resumed his off-putting behavior. Once again, it began with the burning of a Roc costume, though this time, many were sure it was Gage and not Bigfoot. The following term, the professor brought in the previously mentioned taxidermized goat again, which he stroked with care and recited the importance of the mountain goat to both Appalachia and the moral philosopher. He then proceeded to pass around a jar of goat blood, enthusiastically urging students to try a drink. He then proceeded to put on a hat and prance around the front of the lecture hall, much to many students’ concern.
Finally, here is where action was taken. After a report from his TA to the Dean of Philosophy, Warren Fugazi Gage, PhD, was taken in for questioning by Pittsburgh Police. After a 13-hour interrogation, police released a statement to the public that Gage was born in West Virginia and that all previously unsettling behavior could be directly correlated with who won the Backyard Brawl in that particular year.
Since he isn’t formally fired yet, Gage will be teaching Logic for the next two semesters. We strongly advise Pitt students to avoid taking this class at all costs, and instead emphasize the importance of skipping lectures in favor of sleeping in.