MOON ALERT: The moon has a bad case of the rumblies and is currently taking a probiotic. Avoid eating out or making important dietary decisions until after 7:41 PM. Rates of sudden, inexplicable bouts of dysentery will be at an all-time high as the moon moves from indigestion into toilet.
IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: Unfortunately, many deceased dictators share your birthday — so many, in fact, that I can’t name just one. You are bold, persuasive, and cunning. You are apathetic, sadistic, and cruel. You are getting very, very sleepy. You shall change your evil ways and establish a puppy orphanage when I snap my fingers. I have snapped my fingers, in written form.… On the bright side, an actor playing a blown-up civilian in one of the Marvel films also shares your birthday. Better opportunities are to come!
Aries
(March 21–April 19)
Today is a day to be particularly reflective and nostalgic for traditional values. Some of you may try going to your local decrepit, withering elder and asking for advice on what “people your age should be doing.” Time to look displeased at what most people are wearing!
Taurus
(April 20–May 20)
Time to be spontaneous! Today is a day to try something new — maybe travel somewhere new, meet someone new, or learn something new. Or, you could wait outside the Chase Bank on Fifth Avenue in an unlocked vehicle with the engine running at 4:15 PM and follow every instruction given by a tall, rather attractive man in a fetching balaclava and striped shirt holding a sack stenciled with three large dollar signs.
Gemini
(May 21–June 20)
You are someone who is impervious to literally anything today with proper main-character energy. You can do no wrong! Heck, you could recuse yourself from saying “bless you” to a nearby sneeze and no one would judge! Or hold a grudge! A long-held, deep-seated grudge. Full of hate, spite, and vitriol. Nope. Nothing like that. I need to lie down.
Cancer
(June 21–July 22)
Today is a good day to be sociable, especially to friends and family members. Although, today was also a confusing one, and you’re grammar was all over the place. Pacifically, malapropisms, tenses, and homophones could really be an problem. Best too strive for physical conversating, rather then texting.
Leo
(July 23–Aug. 22)
You may have an incredible amount of trouble reading and writing today. Upon seeing this undecipherable blurry blob, please pass it on to someone of another sign. Person of another sign? Hello. Please let this poor illiterate soul know that they will have a particularly lucky day, and that it’s a good one for a drive-in movie. (However, if the person you are assisting’s name is Jerry Hawthorn and knows me personally, tell him he can go fuck himself today.)
Virgo
(Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
Today is the day you will undeniably meet the love of your life. Indeed, the data is in, and I can see that this special someone is right within your grasp. This very exceptional person is most likely clothed, has facial features, and was within the vicinity of a motor vehicle in the past six days. I can also say, with certainty, that they are part of the Homo Sapiens Sapiens species. And they conclusively, definitively, may or may not be bipedal. And they definitely have skin. And they are finally here to love you today! Or it could be tomorrow. Who’s to say?
Libra
(Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
Don’t be so hard on yourself if you feel inactive or sluggish. You’re just going to have one of those days where a bit of incompetence is to be expected, so don’t fuss too much about it. Especially if you’re on a police force and lose an unbelievably handsome criminal due to negligence. In fact, lean into your ineptitude today and purposely lose an objectively dashing thief.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
Do you feel lucky? Well, you should! Today is the day that you’re going to win big. Keep on scratching those tickets. Do not start selling. Bet on those pigeons. You’re only one roll away from winning a fortune! Don’t be like that miner who stops digging right before the diamond! This is your one chance! If you think about it, the odds are only 50/50. Do not quit now!
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
Unfortunately, Jupiter really has to use the loo, but the moon is currently using it. This means that today you should avoid exotic foods or meals acquired from fast-food chains, gas stations, and airports due to risk of incontinence. Also, without Jupiter’s watchful red eye, look out for scrofula, rinderpest, plica polonica, African Trypanosomiasis, scurvy, halitosis, and mild discomfort. Also, strange watch salesmen.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
Lord have mercy.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
Do not make any hasty decisions today! In fact, make none at all! The stars and planets have aligned in a way that is antithetical to “your favor.” Cancel all meetings, postpone gatherings, and Do. Not. Leave. Your. House. Call off the wedding. Funeral? Grandma won’t know you’re not there. Say “no” to any offer. Turn off all electronics. And don’t, under any circumstances, listen to any frequency above 184 Hz. You will also have a strong affinity toward fish today.
Pisces
(Feb. 19–March 20)
Today is a low-visibility day. You may feel less noticed and less willing to socialize. And that’s totally okay. Have a relaxing day that’s all about you. Focus on yourself, and nothing else. Particularly no screeching cars in the vicinity of Chase Bank on Fifth sometime after 4:00 PM. Make sure to blot out any details like that from your memory today.
*NEW* Gwundj
(The 14th Day of Every Odd Numbered Month Divisible by 3)
This is an exclusive, limited-time astrological sign that only the Pitiful News is offering right here, right now. If you find yourself falling into this hip, new sign, get ready for your once-in-a-lifetime horoscope:
Your lucky numbers are: 1, 19, 41, 3, e, 64, and -2.