An unidentified student was found unconscious in the new Recreation Center’s hot tub area.
The student reportedly hopped into the tub following a spin class after noticing the area was empty. When he got in, there was an immediate hissing noise that echoed throughout the Rec Center, but nobody paid any attention to this strange occurrence. After roughly five minutes, another student walked by the area, only to notice said victim, with what she claimed to be “reddish boils on his skin. I dunno, though, the guys here take terrible care of their acne, so I didn’t think it was an actual emergency.”
After ten minutes, she passed the hot tub area once more, only to find the same student with his eyes closed and his mouth agape. “The water was cloudy, though, so I thought he’d just taken a nut,” she told The Pitiful News. It wasn’t until his skin turned purple before her eyes that she ran to find help.
“It was such a freak event. The water in the tub was up to cleanliness standards relative to all Pitt drinking water,” stated one Pitt Police officer, who has water filters installed on all the faucets in his home. “My accountant tried out the tub just last week, and he said it was perfectly fine.” When asked for further information on his accountant, the officer mimicked walkie-talkie sounds and cartwheeled away, citing someone “needed [him] at the Chick-fil-a line, stat.”
The Pitiful News can’t independently comment on this event, only remind students of the new Rec Center’s true value — preventing you from working out. Nobody should regularly exercise. That’s weird. Why would you do that — for fun? Because it’s healthy? We say, grow up. This is America, dammit. Sit on the couch like your founding fathers intended for you and eat junk food like it’s a cure for cancer. Because it is. You can trust us.