BREAKING NEWS: In a lame attempt at distracting the student body with the winter storm, this week the University of Pittsburgh has discreetly announced a 720% raise for Sloaner K. Derpson — Pitt Admin’s mysterious Court Jester and Deputy Head of the Unnecessary Building Committee. Derpson is now looking at an annual salary of $438.2 million, making him the single highest paid employee in University history.
According to sources, Derpson’s Court Jester job consists of playing charades with the Chancellor, brushing professors’ hairs, doing pirouettes during meetings, and pie-ing University opposition. As for the Building Committee role, it is unclear exactly what Derpson does there, if he does anything. The best the Pitiful News can surmise is that he lies on top of important documents that need to be signed and refuses to stand up until the rest of the Committee agrees to approve another Rec-Center-esque building.
While looking more into the issue for the writer of this article, an investigative photographer for The Pitiful News captured Derpson and other staff members completing a secret handshake, tucking each other into bed, and sharing one really long spaghetti noodle, the likes of which had only previously been seen in Lady and the Tramp. This gross display of greed and tomfoolery had the anonymous photographer appalled, and they later sought out grief counseling from the Student Health Center. They were then promptly removed when the University therapist realized they knew too much.
Future action on the University’s part is unknown; however, uninvolved professors from numerous departments are currently protesting Derpson’s presence on campus. They want him permanently banned from being within a 30-mile radius of Oakland and have agreed to go on strike if he isn’t removed from the premises immediately at the onset of Spring Semester.
The photo essay taken by said anonymous Pitiful News photographer will be released to the public in a separate article, so we urge our readers to keep a close eye on this website.