Following the arguably embarrassing losses to West Virginia University’s and University of Louisville’s football teams, the University of Pittsburgh Athletic Department has announced plans to reallocate funding and improve the performance of the student-athletes.
“We’ll be taking funding directly from the electric scooter budget,” said Kick T. Ball, Head of Athletics. “We feel that the football team, and the rest of the student-athletes, need to be working harder and using their legs just like everyone else in the student body.”
Groundbreaking on a new construction project was also announced as a part of this strength and conditioning program. The project will create a new walkway up to the Petersen Events Center and other upper campus buildings, as well as close off numerous sidewalks for the rest of the school year — pending delays, of course.
The walkway will be a 15% grade and will be mandatory for all student-athletes to use when going to upper campus.
“Our student athletes really need to be getting their cardio in — on and off the field,” Ball asserted. “We’ll even be including the marching band members in the mandate. We want them to feel included. Every student-athlete should feel like they’ve earned their special backpack. After all, it’s not just something anyone can buy.”
Along with their inclusion in the walkway mandate, we were asked to note that members of the band are real student-athletes.
“I’ve heard the idea floated that they’re only designated as student-athletes to increase the overall GPA of our athletes. I cannot reiterate enough how untrue this is,” Ball insisted. “Some of our smartest students are on the volleyball team.”
Note: Upon further investigation, we at the Pitiful News have discovered that, in fact, anyone can purchase one of the backpacks. They are currently for sale at the apparel store on campus.