Hemingway’s Cafe, a beloved campus institution, is closing down soon. It’s going to be sad for those of us who have fond memories of going there to deal with the sadness Pitt academics and athletics have caused. We, as people, look for escapism in media, which in turn influences our behaviors. Using what I’ve learned from my most recent additions to my Letterboxd, I think I have found a plan to save this place in a couple of simple steps.
1. Mean, evil developer Mr. Hetero wants to shut down Hem’s to replace it with something very straight, like a shrine to Dan White.
We are here now.
2. Alaska Thunderfuck, Pitt Alum and runner-up of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 5, hears about its closing and decides to do something about it.
I don’t know how she hears about it. Also, she did go to Pitt, so she probably drank at least once at Hem’s. She gathers her other drag friends and decides to come to Pittsburgh to put on a show to save it.
3. Wacky Travel Hijinks
Something goes wrong in their travels, probably because of Mr. Hetero, who is also a rich oil baron. Basically, every encounter they have ends up having a positive outcome for them and with the other people in their interactions.
4. They make it to Pittsburgh, but have one last hiccup
This hiccup basically puts their show to save the bar in jeopardy. It’s probably caused in some way by Mr. Hetero. They eventually either fix the hiccup or forge on, putting on the show.
5. The show goes great, and the bar is saved
That’s right! The show goes well. We see lots of people having fun, including Mr. Hetero, who has seen the error of his ways. There are also possible cameos from icons like John Waters and RuPaul and other gay people who straights won’t necessarily know of, like the Muppets.
This is my very feasible plan on how to save Hemingway’s. Through the work of powers out of my control and local Gay-Straight Alliances, I think we can make it work.