America is chomping at the bit as to which turkeys will be pardoned this Thanksgiving. Our team of insiders and pollsters have informed us that the mass media, spreading fake news as usual, has severely got the information wrong. Well, the data is in. Here are the current ratings:
67 (-105)
After being named turkey of the year by QuirkyTurkey.com, 67 is in the clear lead for the presidential pardon, but President Trump has been known to seek up-and-coming talent, so the race is still wide open.
Acetaminophen (+400)
A nice way to relieve your headaches and the best option here. Is also holding me at gunpoint.
Andrew (+1000)
This Turkey is chill, down-to-earth, and always ready for a good time. The only thing he loves more than an ice-cold Coke is the American people. You may know him as the first round draft pick for the Frankfort Gobblers.
Ben Adams (+1200)
Kidnapped 13 people from the Pitiful News and forced them to listen to handbell “music.” Unrepentant about it, saying “Better to be king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime” despite not gaining king status because, y’know, handbells.
Bubba (+150)
Currently topping the polls after receiving an official endorsement from the current United States President himself, and stealing the hearts of the American people.
Donkey (Kong) (+2500)
Not related to the famous MarioKart character “Donkey Kong.” Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. For requests and inquiries, email d.kong@yahoo.mail. Buy a Cameo!
Galvanax, Destroyer of the Nine Realms, Seducer of Fish, Scarer of Women, Known Holder of the Chase Small Business Credit Card, Author of Erotic Garfield x Heathcliff Fanfiction, Enjoyer of Hatsune Miku, Lactose of Intolerants (+200)
Normal Tumblr user.
Jeffrey (+100)
The late Jeffrey’s estate has requested a posthumous presidential pardon after new information revealed that he did not, in fact, starve himself in his coop, and that his death was the result of fowl play.
Joan Gabel (-200)
Net worth of 1 billion dollars and named after the University of Pittsburgh’s most well-loved and cherished chancellor, need we say more?
John Turkey (+4500)
John Turkey needs no introduction. He’s the descendant of the first John Turkey, who was the very first turkey. He’s the quintessential turkey. If you don’t know him, you ain’t a real Thanksgiving fan.
Harold Turkney (+6700)
After evading capture four years ago by replacing himself with a picture of a tabby having a bad day, Harold Rufus Turkney bravely returns to acquire an official pardon. His campaign in Rhode Island garnered mass support, and his self-published autobiography, Times of Turkey, sold more than one copy. He also has a wife and wants three children.
Hawking (+120)
The smartest turkey known to man and turkey kind. Just don’t ask about the kind of planes he prefers.
M. Turkey (+1000)
Speaking a language no one understands, this fabulous foreigner stowed away on an Amazon shipping freighter to make his devilish American debut. According to Google Translate, he is campaigning on a “Foreign Fowl Tastes Foul” platform.
Peter Thurkey (+4300)
Formerly a venture casserolist, Peter Thurkey is currently working on a project to stop the return of the antichrist through a series of lectures on Armageddon, while attempting to leverage AI to live forever. Thurkey has set up a cryogenic chamber for his carcass in the event that he does not receive the pardon.
TurkYe (-400)
Turkye is not doing so hot in the polls as his recent music releases leave pollsters questioning his sanity.
Tylenol (-350)
AUTISM ANNOUNCEMENT: Tylenol was named for the tylenol he accidentally ingested. This has caused him to rapidly mutate—he now has opposable thumbs and is extremely interested in Spider-Man.
Willy (+1000000)
He’s slick
Who the hell is Gobble and Waddle?