The Pitiful News is currently looking for a new President/Editor-In-Chief after the club forcefully removed their former President from Monday’s meeting after finding out she is from West Virginia during a round of ice-breakers.
The club was in the midst of its first meeting of the semester this past Monday evening when club president, Molly Brown, tried to skip over the “Your Hometown” question of the “Get to Know Everyone” ice-breaker slides.
When one of the new members, Kelly Leach, mentioned that she had skipped the question, Brown got defensive and refused to answer the question. She was pressed further by several returning members. Even a few of the officers took to questioning their fellow officer. The club’s own business manager, Niko Pitinii, tried to get Brown to answer the question.
“Molly, I don’t think you’ve ever told us where you’re from,” Pitinii stated. “I’m actually kinda hurt you haven’t mentioned it before.”
Now profusely sweating, Brown tried again to change the topic. “So, how about all of the new members we have tonight?” she stammered. “Did everyone get the chance to scan the QR code to join the GroupMe?”
The club was instant that Brown needed to share where she is from, confused as to why she is guarding this information like a middle school girl not wanting to tell you her middle name. They resorted to swiping her wallet from the desk at the front of the meeting room to find her driver’s license.
“That’s identity theft!” Brown screamed.
“It’s really not,” Pitinii responded.
Pitinii, who ended up with the wallet, found the ID, took one look, and shrieked. He now knew why this was a secret, why Brown refrained from telling anyone, and why this was dooming information as a University of Pittsburgh student.
Molly Brown is from West Virginia.
“Guys, it’s really not that big of a deal,” she said while scrambling for her wallet, but the damage had been done.
Pitinii had passed the ID to a group of club members, who looked at Brown with a mix of shock, horror, and disgust on their faces.
A chorus of “How could you do this to us?” “I can’t believe she would show her face on this campus,” and “This is a fake ID, right?” erupted from the club. Brown hung her head and confirmed what everyone wanted to be false: she is a born and raised West Virginian.
She attempted to defend herself by saying she is a “first-generation West Virginian” and that her parents are “from Vermont,” but the club wasn’t buying it.
One of the new members called the Pitt Police, asking for them to remove a “Mountaineer” from campus. Pitt Police reached the Cathedral within minutes. Onlookers waited for an ENS alert to come out with more information. Reports are saying they are still waiting for said alert.
When police arrived, Brown was found in one of the classroom chairs with the desk down, piled high with the club members’ backpacks piled high on top of her to “hold her back.” The officers were able to remove Brown from the backpack brigade and place her in cuffs.
“I live closer to Pitt than the ‘right outside of Philly’ kids!” she screamed as Pitt Police officers dragged her to Western Psych (The Pitiful News has confirmed that this is true. Please stop saying you are from ‘right outside of Philly,’ you’re from Reading.).
“Have those ‘country roads’ take you home now!” Leach yelled as the officers took her away.
Molly Brown, a senior at the University of Pittsburgh, has been a member of The Pitiful News for the past four years and has held office for three of her four years of membership. The Pitiful News is now aware of her state of origin and apologizes to the University of Pittsburgh and greater satire community for not asking her the all-telling ice breaker earlier in her tenure.