It’s no mystery that there are dangerous persons running amok in Pittsburgh. Joan TA Gabel has an undiagnosed middle name, Florida Man has been approved for travel, and small, easily stackable children have been buying trench coats at extraordinary rates. Imagine confronting one of these hazardous entities on the street. What would you do? Probably the wrong thing.
I once encountered such a threat and called for help like a total loser. Everyone — passersby, police, even my mom — unanimously told me they were “busy that day,” letting a rogue surgeon remove my appendix. Luckily, such ignominy will not befall you, dear reader, as we have compiled an ironclad Pittsburgh safety guide. Our Pitiful field researchers have carefully roamed precarious sidewalks back and forth and have formulated foolproof strategies to keep yourself safe in your daily excursions.
DISCLAIMER: To be clear, this extensive guide is only to assist in maintaining safety in the outdoors in an urban or residential environment. None of our staff has ever been inside a vehicle, witnessed any piece of natural terrain, or stepped inside an interior. This is because our founder, Pancreas the Pitiful, was tragically and excruciatingly killed by entering a poorly-furnished room.
With that out of the way, ready yourself to be the safest you’ve ever been!
1. Avoidance
1.1 Parkour
The best way to escape a dangerous situation is to avoid it in the first place. You can physically avoid confrontation by commuting via parkour. For the more athletic of you, this is a very viable option. No mugger will attempt to chase you across rooftops or fire escapes, and they will especially give up when you do a really impressive somersault. Unfortunately, such mode of travel generates agitated individuals waving their fist and yelling, “Hey!” as you bump past them. Accumulation of such unrest will inevitably lead to some form of town hall meeting, where you’ll be in for a “Big Yelling.”
1.2 Disguise
Another technique of avoidance is to do everything in your power to make yourself a non-target. Disguise is key here. One method is to wear a mask of the villainous variety. According to a commercial of The Purge I saw, people in spooky crimemasks are completely left alone by evil-doers. On the topic of horror movies, it is a well-known fact that incredibly creepy people are exempt from bad things happening to them. An old, deranged janitor recreationally cleaning an abandoned hospital is never attacked by supernatural beings, despite a ghoul’s track record of indiscriminate possession and murder. So, get cleaning!
1.3 Dog
Party City not open? Here’s a less involved approach: attach a sign to your back (preferably glow-in-the-dark) that says, “BEWARE OF DOG.” This maneuver has outfoxed many a home invader, and will undoubtedly hornswoggle any incoming blackguards. With this tactic, it wouldn’t be surprising to look over your shoulder to witness a bandit booking it for the hills.
1.4 File for Divorce
Running low in the prop department? Here’s our final avoidance tip: put your communications apparatus of choice (sans telegraph) to your ear and loudly have an argument with a hypothetical romantic partner. If you have someone in mind, there’s no reason to miss a good therapeutic opportunity. Preferably, this rival of yours should be a spouse — no one is willing to touch a loveless marriage with a ten-foot pole.
2. Distraction
Oftentimes, sinister strangers will approach you by surprise or completely ignore your social cues of “please do not harass, assault, rob, or murder me at this very moment.” The best course of action is to distract this malefactor, giving you ample time to retreat (see Section 5). Here are some fantastic options for you:
2.1 Money
You might think to use the ol’ Point-Behind-Them-And-Proclaim-“Look-Over-There!”-Before-Immediately-Running-Away trick. First of all, pointing is rude. Secondly, this only works in fairytales and with mimes. In the real world, people need incentive to look the other way. One tried and true practice is to keep on you multiple fake wallets. When confronted by a thief, throw these wallets in different directions and make a break for it. For legitimacy, we recommend tossing your real wallet in with the dupes. If you’re low on wallets, throwing a handful of cash in a confetti orientation (or shooting greenbacks with one of those money guns) should do. Contrary to public opinion, using Monopoly money is equally as effective due to the simple fact that the criminal underworld cannot get enough of that hit Hasbro property.
2.2 Pointing Trick, I Guess
If you’re dead-set on making the pointing trick work, we have a solution. As this is literally the oldest trick in the Book (The Book That Everyone Has), you can use its fame to your advantage. When approached, scream, “Look over there!” while pointing at yourself. On instinct, your assailant will look in the opposite direction of where you’re pointing, letting you escape scot-free.
2.3 Decoy
Another helpful means of distraction is to use a decoy. While Chia Pets can be a fun imitation of yourself, this involves a great deal of commitment and responsibility. Similarly, using an inflatable copy, no matter how confident you are in your lung capacity, takes some time to set up. Malicious actors are not easily fooled by watching you inflate another you for two minutes before running away. They are, however, easily bamboozled by a cardboard cutout of you, provided it’s night. During the day, criminals do have a keen eye for differences in dimensions. In that case, using a piñata lookalike is your best option. Even if a particularly cunning crime lord spots the difference, the primal urge to wallop overrides primary piñata-human distinction centers in the brain.
3. Debilitation
Decoys not your style? Here are a few ways to completely debilitate your attacker:
3.1 Eagle Screech
Say you are being mugged at gunpoint by a man named Ralph. You can quickly unveil your trusty boom-box and blast the United States National Anthem, as you plant an American flag. Ralph will have no choice but to assume a patriotic stance, remove any head coverings, and put his hand to his heart. And, since Ralph is certainly right-handed, you’re free to escape without any danger of that pesky firearm. Note: to not be ensnared by this trap yourself, try roleplaying as an ungrateful youth of today.
3.2 Debt
Okay, Ralph is back. He’s angry about that last trick and is more intent than ever on robbing you. As soon as he opens his mouth, immediately spew key words and/or phrases he might say. When your guess matches what he says as he says it, you’re legally entitled to yell, “Jinx! You owe me a soda!” Ralph will immediately stop his mugging and run for the nearest convenience store. By the time he races back with your soda, you’ll be long gone. Note: If you’re worried he’ll try to track you down to give you the soda, leave him the address of a state penitentiary or Alcatraz. He’ll turn himself right in, being none the wiser!
3.3 Melatonin
Oh boy, Ralph is back, and he’s livid. He’s learned your tricks and refuses to say a word. This moment is critical, with Ralph at his most violent and unpredictable. We recommend doing the following: feign surrender, but instead of reaching in your fanny pack for a wallet, produce a 3-iron and say, “How about a game of golf, first?” As soon as golf is mentioned, Ralph will immediately fall asleep, allowing you to call the police and make your daring escape.
4. Group Up
A wise man once said, “It’s dangerous to go alone.” Just having a companion with you decreases the likelihood of attack by twelve!
4.1 Dog (Different Context)
If you’re strongly disliked by most people, walking some sort of animal, preferably a dog or warthog, still does wonders. Appearance is important, so walking with that dweeb Chris from OChem won’t help you at all. Likewise, you should walk a dog that looks closer to a wolf than a hyperventilating potato on the evolutionary scale. Granted, for any dog, if you shout, “Sic ‘em!” it’s more likely to sick-up on the ground than attack a threatening stranger. But appearance matters, so any dog larger than a cardboard box is assumed to have K9 training. If you have a small, yappy dog, unfortunately, based on the data, you’re more likely to be attacked than if you had just gone without one.
4.2 Goons
You could also acquire a gang of goons. Goons are pretty easy to come by as long as you can offer matching outfits and a series of metal pipes or bats. There are many benefits of such a squad. High levels of group morale and camaraderie, for starters. Any joke or moderately threatening statement from you will receive a cannonade of cackles, giving you an edge in the stand-up comedy scene; however, walking pace will always be reduced to a permanent swagger, and your goons will frequently target martial artists, brooding vigilantes, or someone about to discover their superpowers. They will heavily insult this dangerous person before proceeding to attack one-by-one until they’re all unconscious. Unfortunately, for group synergy, you must join them in this poorly planned assault. Coups in such a group are rare, but not impossible.
5. Retreat
Say a police officer finds you suspicious and decides to pat you down. Normally, this is a scary, but hopefully not dangerous, scenario. But let’s also say your silly goofy wacky friend Ryan planted one ton of ketamine on you. That rapscallion! Good luck explaining that one to the fuzz. In this scenario, all you can do is retreat.
5.1 Common Mistakes
Running away is a simple affair, but there are some common mistakes that you can easily avoid:
Mistake One: Do not slide onto the hood of a car. While you may have seen this in movies and thought it would look super cool, nine out of ten times, this very action can foil you completely. In terms of saving time, this slick slide saves you about one second, and that’s in the best case. There are two factors working against you — one, the police have hijacked the local automotive industry by manufacturing cars to have high-friction hoods. The amount of friction experienced sliding on those augmented hoods is about the same as sliding on asphalt; and two, many residents of Pittsburgh frequently put glue traps on the hoods of their cars. Psychologists are still trying to determine why this is the case, but nonetheless, if you try sliding on the hood of a car, it’s likely you’ll serve yourself to your chasers on a silver platter.
Mistake Two: Do not burden yourself with marbles. While in many a film, pouring out a bag of marbles behind you may cause humorous slipping and tripping of an assailant, this rarely works. Most people’s shoes seem roughshod when interacting with marbles; however, marbles can be effective at demobilizing horses. Given the rarity of a jockey chase, it’s fair to assume marbles are unnecessary.
Those are all of the mistakes possible. People just won’t stop sliding on cars.
5.2 The Hidden Technique
In terms of how you should retreat, that’s up to you. Wear roller skates or ride a skateboard, scooter, or bike if you think that’ll help, but be wary of spike strips civilians may carelessly drop. One strategy we will share with you, though, is that of a secret, ancient technique lost to the winds of time. It goes something like this: When you’re at a crosswalk (or zebra crossing), look at the pedestrian crossing signal facing you. You know when it has that big orange hand out, telling you not to walk? Do the exact opposite, crossing the street, even though you were told not to. Anyone chasing you will be shocked to see you doing this and will have no idea what to do until the signal tells them to cross. This mythical art of a bygone era is known as “jaywalking,” from the Latin jaym, as in, “Jaym, you’re crossing right now?!” Remember, you should only do this in emergency situations. It’d be total anarchy if people did this all the time.
Conclusion
Some of you may be wondering why no counteroffensive measures were offered. Not even the basic, easier-done-than-said tip of becoming a master of martial arts? Well, in truth, there’re too many variables regarding any sort of confrontation. We could compose a whole novel about what to do in each given situation, but even some will escape us due to the unpredictable nature of the criminal mind. Just last week, one of our staff writers was crossing Forbes, only to be threatened by a scallywag in an M1 Abrams tank. No amount of physical training could’ve stopped this attack. Luckily, our quick-witted writer displayed their golf card collection to the tank driver, causing immediate slumber. Our talented friend was then able to deftly sell the tank on Facebook Marketplace for a small fortune.
As you can see, our state-of-the-art methods will keep you safe and secure on Pittsburgh streets. Hopefully, you’ll never fear the urban outdoors again after keeping all of these tips & tricks up your sleeve. Hip hip hooray to you!