MORGANTOWN—Just in time for the 136th anniversary of West Virginian statehood, President Michael Benson announced before a packed Mountaineer Field that Kyle Robertson of the Eberly College of Arts and Sciences is set to become the first student to graduate from the university since its founding in 1867.
The trailblazing mountaineer, who granted an exclusive interview to the Pitiful News, shared his excitement to make Morgantown history: “I always wanted, as a kid, to graduate from an amazing college. When I came to WVU, I learned a lot about humility.”
Morgantown veterans reacted with delight to the news. Professor Paulie Stetson told the Pitiful News: “West Virginia is coming so far. I remember when we didn’t even have paved roads on campus, and now we’re graduating someone. In all of my four years with this university, I’ve never been prouder.”
Proud Panthers may see this stunning development as a major upset for Pitt’s main rival. Administration, however, seems less worried; in a faculty-wide email this Monday, Chancellor Gabel pointed to Pitt’s commanding total of 83 graduated students to assuage worries that Pitt may be falling behind.