When you think of a candy aisle in a gas station, Sour Patch Watermelons might not be the first thing to come to mind. Maybe you prefer a chocolate-based treat or opt for a different fruit-flavored snack, but you cannot deny Sour Patch’s role in the candy world. Since they are and have been a pillar of the candy world for many years, why would Mondelēz International change the basis of their appeal by making them “not so sour”? Well, the answer is simple. We are raising the next generation of pansies.
This abrupt change in the formula of all Sour Patch products most definitely was the result of a Gen Alpha wimp eating a form of the candy for the first time with their face two millimeters from their crusty iPad and then screaming at their Millennial mother at a decibel level that puts a banshee to shame because they were actually sour. The parent responsible for that wuss then took their child’s complaint to a Facebook group called “Boy Mom’s Rule 😎” where she ranted about how this candy was “destroying her baby boy’s mouth” and that she was going to call corporate. Mondelēz probably just gave in to her wishes to make the candy less sour to avoid another unnecessary lawsuit for their overworked legal team.
My question is: When did we stray away from the traditions of our elders? The death grip sour candy had over most Millennials and Gen Z was comparable to Boomers’ addiction to asking if you got your ripped jeans “half off.” Toxic Wastes, War Heads, and Quick Blast Sour Sprays were being passed around elementary cafeterias more than lice and SillyBandz, so what happened?
We all know that Generation Alpha is a group of weaklings that purge service industry workers and make life difficult for anyone in their immediate vicinity. Their commitment to being worse than the generation that is slowly dying off is astounding. By being chronically online, one would think that they study the deep texts just as we did. The Cinnamon Challenge and BeanBoozled have been replaced by Looksmaxxing and Drunk Elephant. So I ask, if their skin can handle premature retinol, why can’t their mouths handle a little citric acid?
I remember the glory days of my mouth bleeding from consuming copious amounts of Sour Skittles and not being able to taste for a whole week. Was it painful? Yes, but nothing good comes without pain. Every time I taste blood in my mouth, I am transported to the back seat of my mom’s 2008 GMC Suburban, where my brother opened the fated green bag for the first time. I consider it a blessing to have grown up with mouth sores now that I know that these children will never have that experience.
Now, if your Sour Patch preference is Grape, Peach, Big Kids, Watermelons, or just the original Kids, I hope you share the disdain for woke media turning the next generation into squibs by taking away our beloved sour candies. Wokeness is ruining the chance for nostalgia, and I hope we can return to the glory days of sour candy supremacy together.