WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press conference last week from the Wakefield Public Health Office, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced his department’s ranking of the best college dining halls in the country. Topping the list was Pitt’s very own Eatery, which was praised by Kennedy for its quality ingredients and high standards of sanitation.
“There were a lot of good picks, but the Eatery is the model for dining halls in this country. One of the goals of our department will be to model all dining halls after Pitt’s example,” the secretary said in a demonstration video showing Kennedy eating a plate of eggs from Table 33.
The prestigious recognition comes after the Eatery received the Loyal E. Horton Dining Award, also declaring the Oakland dining hall to be the best in America. “This goes to show the widespread recognition of the Eatery’s edibility and safety,” touted Chancellor Gable in a terse email thanking the secretary for his praise.
Praise was not limited to the taste of the food, however. Secretary Kennedy also had words for the safety of the hall: “We also want to recognize Pitt for its handling of constant norovirus outbreaks in its dining hall, as well as bringing down the rate of food poisoning to 15% per week.”
“The Eatery is a model of what we want to see from food establishments across America. It is my mission to make this country as healthy as the Eatery,” Kennedy concluded.
After the conference, a Pitiful News hot mic captured the secretary conferring with what appeared to be a separate personality, one that the secretary referred to exclusively as “The Serpent.” Pitiful News’ public health correspondent was incredibly shaken upon hearing the secretary’s voice somehow become more demonic.