Hear ye, hear ye! Come one, come all, and harken to the unbelievably generous and unfathomably wonderful, brand new, devoid of any drawbacks whatsoever, Premium Pitiful News subscription!
“Oh mein gott, was ist das?!?!” I hear you yelling with multiple interrobangs.
Don’t worry your poor little head if you’ve never heard about this exclusive website before (and if you already have, our lawyers will be seeing you very soon) because that’s exactly what I’m going to be telling you about right now!
Have you ever thought, “I wish I could look at a Pitiful News website that is somewhat different from the normal one, and I could also get rid of all these piles of cash I’m practically drowning in?” Well, look no further because we’ve got the deal for you! The Premium Pitiful News is everything you wanted from the Pitiful News and more, and that’s not just petty platitudes!
What can I get out of a Premium Pitiful News Subscription?
We know how much you love the Pitiful News, so with this subscription, you’ll get a signed Hallmark Baptism & Christening card from your favorite Pitiful News staff member! Speaking of your favorite members of the staff, based on a public poll given to randomly selected living people, Damian has been unanimously recognized as the worst writer at the Pitiful News. Therefore, the Premium Pitiful News site will not include any deplorable articles written by worthless Damian.
Also, since we value your patronage, the Premium Pitiful News will give you something that no other subscription service will give you: time. That’s right! Since we value the one thing that you can never get back, the Premium Pitiful News paywalled publication will have fewer articles than the normal site. Imagine all that extra time you’ll save!
Not only that, but the Premium webpages will have a complete glow-up! Historiated letters, illuminated passages, bedazzled paragraphs, and a hardcover publication manual — invaluable instructions on how to print out every article and bind them together! We’ll even throw in some stickers of the holographic, foiled, and glow-in-the-dark variety (shipping and handling not included). Finally, the entire website itself will also be phosphorescent, a marvel to most software engineers (our lawyers have urged us to disclose that this is not because the Premium Pitiful News site is radioactive).
With those main benefits out of the way, here are some additional things that you can get out of your Premium Pitiful News subscription:
- Access to the Pitiful News discord
- A completely censored version of the website, upon patron’s request
- A completely vulgarized version of the website, upon patron’s request
- The violent installation of dictators in three Latin American countries of your choice
- Access to one of the numerous Pitt construction sites
- One rigged professional baseball game of your choosing
- A tutorial of the Pitiful alpha grindset and skincare routine
- Two crypto pump-and-dump schemes
- A free voucher to the Cathedral iron maiden stored in the basement
- The public flogging of Damian with a custom cat o’ nine tails (you pick the color)
- A rather nifty gift certificate
How do I acquire this awesome deal?!
All you need to do is come to our headquarters with a single payment of $500,000 in greenbacks stacked in a pyramid shape. That’s all!
Don’t leave this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity hanging. Purchase the Premium Pitiful News today!